I've been quiet lately (not that anyone has noticed). It's because I feel like I am just straggling through life for the past week or so. Nobody wants to listen to another person whine about problems that really aren't problems, so I've just been keeping my mouth shut and my head down.
I've started 3 different entries (Dream Race, Moderation, Going Long) and have abandoned all of them after a paragraph or two. Right now I just feel like I don't have anything worth while to contribute to the the dialogue (whatever "the dialogue" may be). I'm not witty, I'm not full of wisdom or insightful, or exciting. My writing isn't eloquent or funny or thought provoking either, so I don't know why I've been torturing myself trying to put the proverbial pen to paper here at Run Eat Play RVA lately.
Maybe I'm tired of writing about running or I am feeling guilty or boring for that being the main topic of conversation around here lately. That's mainly because training is the one thing that I feel really positive about lately, though even that is starting to wear me down, especially this week. I suppose that's what happens when you run 18 miles, then 5 miles of speedwork the next day, then 8.5 tempo miles at 6:15 am in 90% humidity.
Our trip to Germany was wonderful and an opportunity that I am truly grateful for. I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have been able to go to Europe twice this year.
Being in Paris, even if only for a whirlwind 24 hours, was a dream come true. As I sat in the courtyard of the Louvre just before 9 pm, listening to the murmur of the hundreds or Parisians and tourists who were enjoying picnic dinners in the warm late-summer evening, I fixed my eyes on the Eiffel Tower, waiting for it to do its night time shimmy. Then the hour hit and it burst into its sparkle of dancing blue light and then I cried like an idiot. And then I cried on the plane the next morning as I watched the city disappear from my sight. It's pathetic, really. I love going abroad but coming back home always throws me into the depths of depression. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth the 1-2 week high anymore.
I think there's no worse feeling in the world than feeling like you aren't where you belong, and then feeling powerless to change it.
Another part of my straggling lately is that the next 2.5 months are incredibly daunting. It's not the marathon training, but the fact that out of the next ten weekends, I have two free. And by "free" I mean I still have a long run on Saturday, of course. This crammed-calendar syndrome happens to me every few months, and every few months I swear I won't over schedule myself again, but I always do. The trouble is that a lot of it are commitments that I have no control over. They are work related, or life realted (weddings, baptisms, etc), they are races that I deferred last year due to my broken foot and therefore feel obligated to run this year. In a way, I didn't even do this to myself. Life did it to me.
I will survive like I always do and will likely even enjoy most of these commitments. This meltdown will pass, like all of the others. I'm just not much fun to be around when I'm feeling overwhelmed by my problems-that-aren't-really-problems.
But, on a positive note, if I just remind myself that at this time last year I was 2 weeks into my stint on crutches, I feel much better.