Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Crutch Lessons: Part 1

Being on crutches for the past 10 days has really given me a new perspective on life. I firmly believe that everyone should have to spend at least two days on crutches to gain appreciation for being fully able-bodied. Before this, I never really thought that being on crutches was that big a deal. But it is. It sucks big time.

My crutches. I hate them.

Here are some of the things that I have learned about life on crutches so far:

1. Stairs are my #1 nemesis. We live in a 2-story house and my office has no elevator.

The stairs at work
Stairs are exhausting and terrifying. At first, I went up and down the stairs on my butt. This is the easiest and safest thing to do, but also not really appropriate at work. Luckily (?) my coworker Ashley taught me an easier, more work-friendly stair technique. Unfortunately, I am still pretty much winded by the time I get to the top of the stairs.

2. My collection of purses is now rendered useless. They all go on my shoulder, which means they get in the way of the crutches, which means I almost fall flat on my face.

My favorite Longchamp is now a hazard to my health.

Seriously, who would think that being on crutches would present a problem with purses? My solution was to buy a cheap crossbody bag. I got the ugliest one I could find. Just because.

Mmmm... blue snakeskin. Totally natural looking.

3. My husband is a saint.

Well, most of the time. I am the first person to admit that I am not easy to live with when I'm not broken. I am an OCD neat freak who is constantly cleaning, picking up, and doing stuff around the house. Now that I can't do those things, I am constantly nagging asking Jason to clean this, pick up this, move this, get me this. He has to help me do pretty much everything and to be honest, I feel almost as bad for him as I do for me.

Thank God he is extremely patient and loves me. Otherwise I'd be screwed. Big time.

4. Swinging doors are dangerous and impossible obstacles. And they are everywhere. I don't know how people who are on crutches or in wheelchairs function long term. Think about it - just about every restaurant, shop, and bathroom that you ever go into has a swinging door.

Jason and I were traveling this past weekend and we stopped at a restaurant for a quick bite. I attempted to go to the bathroom while he stood in line. I almost killed myself trying to get into the door and could not get out again. If Jason hadn't come to check on me, I would've been trapped in that nasty Arby's bathroom forever.

5.  Throwing your crutches is not the best idea, but it feels really good. There have been a few points over the past week where I was just so frustrated with the whole situation that I literally threw my crutches to the ground. This made me feel a lot better, but isn't the best idea becauseit scares the pants off of Jason every time (he thinks that I've fallen and comes running and yelling my name).

6. Crutches have put the brakes my spending. I have no interest in browsing shoes (can't wear any of them... at least not the cute ones). Going out to lunch or for a mid-afternoon coffee/yogurt break is way too much trouble (and besides, I can't carry the coffee or yogurt anywhere... not even to a seat). I can't run so I'm not buying any new gear (it was painful enough when the arm warmers I had ordered for the marathon pre-injury arrived post-injury).

7. Crutches are the perfect accessory for your upcoming formal event.

...not really.
I have not one, not two, but THREE weddings to go to over the next eight weeks. The crutch and boot really look awesome with the dresses I had purchased for these weddings.

8. Being the girl on crutches is like being a school bus. You understand why it is going slow and stopping every few minutes, but you really REALLY don't want to get stuck behind it.

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