Thursday, February 16, 2012

An Open Letter ...

... to the people using the track at the Y.

Dear girls sauntering around the track while talking/texting on your cellphones: That doesn't really count as exercise. You might as well go home and sit on the couch.

Dear power-walking grandma: I love you. I hope that someday I am healthy and active enough to be able to book it around the track at the Y. You inspire me.

Dear people walking side by side talking: This track is not wide enough to have social hour during your walk. Please get out of my way. And if I bump into you while trying to pass, I'm not sorry. Thanks.

Dear 40-something woman with the high-definition muscles and tan addiction: I'm sorry that my ghostly pale legs are blinding you. I am not worthy.

Dear teenage boy wearing a bottle of cologne: I can smell you from across the track, but I guess I should be glad that it's cologne and not Eau de Teenage Boy Sweat.

Dear parents of the unattended children on the track: When I have a head on collision with your precious child because he or she was running crazily against all track traffic and said child breaks a tooth or something, I won't be sorry.

Dear red headed guy: You run faster and further than I possibly ever could. What is your secret?

Dear girl in the short shorts: I can see your butt cheeks. You should probably buy some longer shorts.

Dear blonde weight lifting young dude who is always hanging out in the corner of the weight room that looks into the track: I'm impressed by your dedication. And your muscles. If I was 10 years younger and not happily married, you might be in trouble.

Dear clueless dude who is walking in the middle of the track: There are three simple rules of the track. 1) Walk/run in the direction that the arrow is pointing. 2) Slow moving traffic stay to the inside of the track. 3) Pass on the left. If you are walking in the middle of the track, you are disobeying rule 2 and you cause me to disobey rule 3 and I almost smash my elbow on the railing or trip over you when trying to pass. PLEASE WALK ON THE RIGHT. YOU COUNT AS SLOW MOVING. I bet you are also the jerk who drives the speed limit in the left lane on the highway.


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